Henrik Nordenberg, The Artist’s Studio, 1891. Oil on canvas.
(I adore the feeling of being able to say whatever I want here. Of course there is a lot of self-censorship going on, but it is the result of taking pride in the words I display.)
Clean, polished, put-together, ready for everything, is what I’m going for. While watching a certain new reality show which is supposed to glorify idiocy and brattishness, I realized that I was actually learning from it.
If I look good, I feel good. Hence the $200 bill at Sephora this morning. Worth it. Unfortunately I tend to assume the converse of others. Call me shallow. If you are telling secrets, observe the acoustics of your surroundings before commencing. And finally, it’s okay if you only meet certain people at night and never see them in the day, You probably wouldn’t want to see them in the day anyway. The opposite applies, but to a lesser extent.
Everyone struggles between friends, family, and self at this time. I’ve managed to deal with friends to a certain extent (the by-product of living away from home) by designating weekends as family time - short-term solution for a short-term situation. The New Year weekend helped, as I spent 4 days with my family and so did everyone else in the country. No other demands upon my time - perfect. I got the chance to really bond with two of my cousins and some family friends. I dreamt of pineapple tarts last night.
The conflict between friends and family has been dealt with. Friends and self - mostly a non-issue, though I’m starting to feel that I know too many people who are dependent on me. It helps if I think of it as networking.
But family and self, that’s a big one. Especially coming from an Asian family where nearly every aspect of one’s personal life is micromanaged by the entire family. The only reason my extended family isn’t involved either is because we live in a different country from them. Thankfully, my parents and I have dealt with most of the major issues with the significant exceptions of consuming certain fermented products and the right time to engage in the actions that take place before conception.
This is such a small problem in comparison, but it matters just as much. Internship or holiday? It breaks my heart to tell my mom, no, I don’t want to go on a family holiday this summer, because she’s been looking forward to it for so long. I want to secure my future with a good internship after my penultimate year of uni, but if I don’t get anything (please no don’t let this happen) going on holiday will be the final result of a major disappointment. If I do go on holiday without applying for anything I will be disappointed in myself. And my mom is being far too nice (and traditional), saying that I can live with her forever if I want and she’ll find a rich guy for me to marry. I’ll be honest, marrying someone rich would be nice, but certainly not because my mom “found him”! Anyway…I know what I want, so it’s on me if I don’t get it.
Relationships are weird. It’s been 5 months since we broke up. My friend tries to set me with guys every time he goes to a club with me. Last week actually berated me for talking to the one girl in a group of 9 guys for the entire night. But honestly, I’m just scared of talking to guys now. I don’t know what people find attractive about me, but they do, and that just ruins everything because I don’t know what anyone wants from me anymore, male or female, straight or gay, or anything in between. Unfortunately I cannot stand looking less than 90% of my best.
I’m scared because I’ve gotten used to everyone wanting to talk to me so I’m extremely picky about who I talk to. Honestly, I have not met anyone who measures up to him. Virtually perfect in all ways to me - intelligent, attractive, interesting, and fun, so much so that I overlooked his hatred of cats - until I found out that I couldn’t trust him anymore. Despite that, I still aspire to be like him. Using an ex as a motivational figure is not a very good way to move on though, is it? Or does it mean that I have moved on enough to accept that I will never see him again, and therefore turn him into a semi-imaginary figure who gives me hope? The prototypical “one that got away” for sure.
Whatever it is, it’s good that nothing worked out over the past few months with anyone else because I would not want to be with 80% of the people I know for an entire 2 days.
what else has been notable in my life recently? This 2-month sore throat has suddenly progressing into a cough and a very, very hoarse voice, worse than Joan Rivers’. I’ve never been overly paranoid after reading about symptoms on the internet (perks of being a bio student) but I suddenly fear that I have throat cancer. Cigs were a casual indulgence when intoxicated, but no more. Not even if they make me skinny, no sticks for me from now on.
And I am still thinking about pineapple tarts. GXFC :)
First week back.
1. Most obviously, now is the time to focus. Last semester was incredibly slack while 2014 is the year of early birds and maximising productivity. Surprisingly, this doesn’t involve giving up my soul. Just a bit of sleep.
2. I find that actually spending a night out is better for me than having study parties and similar social events. A full night of debauchery motivates me to make full use of the following day, whereas a study party, which is neither studying nor a party, leaves me quite unfulfilled and leads to more procrastination later on.
3. I have far less tolerance for pretentiousness on social media than I did in the past.
4. Yet somehow I am even more excited about meeting new people and making new friends than ever before. - Being shy is not cute or quirky, it is legitimately a curse when I want to say hello to everyone I see but am too afraid to and hate myself for not doing so afterwards. It’s a horrible struggle and i am getting better at it but I still LOATHE the fact that it’s all my fault whenever I feel unfulfilled in this situations. Almost as much as when people assume that shy extroverts do not exist. - One of the most rewarding moments of my day was finally getting the courage to ask someone who now lives on my floor his name, as we had previously just awkwardly nodded at each other. It’s far from making a friend, but everyone is a potential friend to me. I’m excited to cement our acquaintanceship by saying a big HELLO to him on Monday as he seems like a very kind person.
5. Related to this….I care about people way too much and I should probably stop but I want to care about people so much that they can FEEL it and even when I’m not there I want them to somehow know that I am thinking about them. This extends to nearly everyone I know sorry you’re not special. But you ALL occupy different areas of my mind and heart.
6. I still miss Cheechoo a lot but I want to adopt or buy another hamster. It would just be miserable in a pet store or SPCA with no entertainment. I would buy it and play with it every day and not kill it by sitting on it, as my friend’s younger brother once did to her hamster.
7. This is the year of ME. I will do whatever is best for me. I’ve spent too long not reflecting on my decisions and making it easier for others to succeed at my own expense. But now I have a 10-year-plan with multiple backups and there is no excuse for not achieving what I want to do because I am responsible for securing any advantages I might need. I can do this.
Today was good for my soul.
1:30 am. I just suddenly realized that I went on a date with someone about 7 months ago without realizing it was a date, and NOW I remember and figure it out and it should have been painfully obvious……so much retrospective shame going on here right now
Friday/Saturday were great. :)